Lust

parts of growing up is being exposed to sex.

whether we like it or not, we will be exposed to it somehow.

more than just wanting to know the meaning of this three letter word, we are curious to find out how is it like.

i have my fair share (out of curiosity) and as i grew older, i am doing it just because i want to do it.

i have been conflicting about the idea of travelling with a someone who is already in a relationship. however, i gave in because i have travelled with a male before and nothing has really happened.

i knew this time round, it would be different but i went ahead anyways.

indeed, it was as expected. he wanted it out of lust, i wanted it just cause.

the only thing that made me hold back is that this man... is in a relationship with another woman. someone he claims to love very much.

i am having a friend with benefits with a man who has a girlfriend, possibly a fiancee in the near future.

i cannot kick the idea of his gf finding out about us out of my mind. i tried my best to not kiss him, so i will feel better.

he kept asking for more.

no lies, i enjoyed it.

however, i must admit that my trust in men has been totally tarnished by one man. one man who is after lust. one man who said that he loves his girlfriend right after cheating on her with me in a foreign land.

who can you trust these days?

im really very right now at this moment.

i don feel like talking to anyone except blogging abt it.

i wanted to let go of all my once upon a time memories but i cant seem to let them go.

they are sticked to my brain. i cant seem to stop thinking abt all of these.

im really very down right now.

all of a sudden i rmbed my pet dog, how he always bark at night and wake me up from my sweet dreams, how he always accompany me when i sleep and even shower and study!

how i always feed him and how i always wanted more money so i could buy his fav food for him. i still see food i bought for him before i go OBM! i was telling myself i must feed teddy with the nicest food before i go off for 10days.

when i finally came back sgp, he's no longer ard. no more. no barkings no licking no growling no him! :(

to be exact i cried for 2months. everyday. i will think of him and cry. how i didnt spend alot of time with him and how i always said i will bring him out of a walk and never

i really hope i can turn back time. i wouldnt have gone to malaysia for camp. i should have spend more time with teddy.

I MISS TEDDY!! my beloved ah boy! he once was my everything! i lost this loyal companion of mine.

he's really my everything. without him, i cant seem to do anything well. i just hope he will be back.:(

another one, came and go too.

kris! he was once my listener, cared for me so much. i depended on him alot. even the day before my o level amaths. he was teaching me over the phone. tt's how much he cared. fyi, he taught me till 2am.

everything, he will be there for me. he will make sure im on the right track. always telling me what's right and what's wrong. always teaching me.

and he silently left.

I HATE SILENCE GOODBYES! and those arent even counted as goodbyes.

im feeling retardly emoo now. seriously!

i feel like dying and choking myself.

luckily no one knows my this pb except dabian!

shes not online anyway, so byes. i really need to cry all out!

i hate silence goodbbyes. i hate it

i dono luhh. seriously, sometimes they treat me so good. sometimes they treat me like nothing.
how to react to sucha thing?
i dono luhh.
eliz told me these kinda "conflicts" always happen in church. really?
i always thot my church is special and unique in a way or another.
yea. it is. always is.
just me.
u know wat? i really thot of punishing myself by drinking drunk and forget all abt all of u!
at least i wont feel so sad when no one cares.
i feel more sad when u all don care abt me than when the person i like ignores me.
seriously.
am i gg to skip camp?
bt if mummy found out, she will be dead angry!
bt i wna go for end times! RAHH!
should i continue my plan for party?
bt i really don wan my leaders to be disappointed with me.
neither do i wan pam to be disappointed.
aiya!
should i lie to them tt i didnt go bt i went? no i should not.
i should not lie.
HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW~
ppl who are growing will keep growing.
ppl who are lagged behind will never catch up and keep falling down and down.
what to do? this is life.
ppl will concentrate on those ppl who are growing instead of those who are being lagged behind.
stupid!
i hate myself secretly!

tell me all of these arent happening!

im actually turning back to private blog.

ok whatever it is. im missing him like crazy.

and all these are driving me MAD!

and for the very fact that im not a leader. ppl tend to......................

ok so whatever it is. i gotta stop. think

reflect.

i seriously want him BACK desperately...

chatted with kris 3days ago.
actually is cry out to him.
sis found my phone and blah blah blah.
confiscated my i/c as well.
=.=
who can be as lame as her?
kris' "i'm really tired" really made me wake up from my dreamland.
YES! he's tired of me and my nonsense.
so, i've made up my mind to STOP seeing him and everyone else.

i'm really happy there's still friends who support me in things i do.
even though i neglected them for like forever.
they nv give up hopes tt one fine day i will go back to them and have fun.
now, they do not need to wait anymore!

2days ago, i called kris up and told him straight tt since he's tired and evrything, i must as well scram myself.
and me being silly, actually tot he will call me back and ask me what happened.
but of course it did not happen.

and he indirectly told me tt he will not fall for relationship at this moment.
he was being stupid can.

maybe like wat calene said, i should just give up on himand think/do things which are possible and not always daydreaming about the impossibles.

i really had fun studying w her can. we gossiped like mad and stuff. of course we gossiped about the same person whom we HATE!

i love it!

tt person must be sneezing like hell when we talked about her! and i nv tot tt she is such a "low-class" person can! EWWWKS!

anyway i hate her luhh! she's full of shit!~

ok anyway, i've made upp my mind and may not change it.
I WILL NOT GO BACK TO CHURCH ANYMORE!
unless...............................

anw, anything which stumbles me will be like a dumbbell. it will bring me all the way down to the seabed. but at the same time my dumbbell is easily broken. one factor will just break the whole dumbbell and i'm back on the right track again.

if u understand this, u will know what i mean.

goodbyesss.

i thank God for HOGC.
i thank God for bible.
i thank God for the life i'm leading now.
i thank God for all my nice and caring friends.
i thank God for my WIIDE crcle of friends.
i thank God for my cca.
i thank God for my eyes.
i thank God for my heart.
i thank God for my ears.
i thank God for my mouth.
i thank God for my limbs.
i thank God for my organs.
i thank God for loving me even though i'm useless.
i thank God for not giving up onme.
i thank God for listening to me.
i thank God for speaking to me.
i thank God for my school.
i thank God for my money.
i thank God for my cousins.
i thank God for my aunties and uncles.
i thank God for for my family.
i thank God for computers.
i thank God for time.
i thank God for love.
i thank God for food.
i thank God for water.
i thank God for bed.
i thank God for pillows.
i thank God for blankets.
i thank God for sweets.
i thank God for shoes.
i thank God for skinny jeans.
i thank God for shirts.
i thank God for my kitchen.
i thank God for bird nest.
last, i thank God for letting me meet him.

I THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING!
i love you LORD!
you're the best!

went study in church w Ly tday.
yes. this is the first time i really studied.
proud of me? well, i am.
cant find my class pbwiki page! >.<
read sherlyn's blog and the tag kris left was surrounding me!
devil!
but still, they seem to be so, close.
closer than me and him.
illusions? hope so.
jealousy is rising in me. higher and higher.
the news of her and Ly not gg tmr really make me SCREAM for JOY!
like finally i can spend time w him, quietly w/o distractions.
how to explain such joy?
sometimes i really wonder, what keeps me gg?
God factor w his factor?
i'm sure there's 20% of his factor which keeps me gg.
i love the way he talks to me.
with the most serious looking eyes ever. you'll melt when u sees them, i promise!
being such a LOOOONG time since i last seen him and talked to him.
i miss him.
tmr's the day i'll see him. for lunch service and everything.
i wna sit beside him again, and feel the uneasiness whenever he getsn too close.
i miss tt feeling!
tt uneasiness.
it rocks!

can i have tt feeling more often? please.
Ly tday really leave me w a super BIG question mark!
i feel the siaoness in her alr.

anyway, i know God has a PERFEECT plan for my future.
He will give us what we desire the most.
i am strongly convinced tt my God, is the BEST GOD EVER!

shall sleep early tonight.